It’s been a while since my last post, and a lot has been happening. I’m working as a locum in ED, and have recently secured a job in clinical research.

After my first week in ED I had a bit of a crisis. I remembered why I had not wanted to apply for a full time job this year, and why I had been questioning medicine and clinical practice in the first place.

Clinical medicine can be hard. Like, really hard.

ED is chaotic. There’s so many emotions flying around, so many undifferentiated patients. There’s just a lot going on, and some people can be really sick.

After so much time chilling at home I had kind of forgotten how the hospital can be.

My crisis

What am I doing? Is it worth it? Am I even a good doctor? I felt so clueless… My colleagues were in training programs, or focused on getting onto one. While I’m still figuring things out.

A lot of negative self talk was going on and I definitely had a blow to my confidence. I didn’t know what direction in life I should take, and I had kind of fallen back into full time.

Doing locum seemed perfect, with less hours, more pay and working on my own terms. Yet, nothing in life is perfect and money motivation isn’t what drives me.

I also was wondering, where am I going with this? I don’t want to work as a locum in ED forever.

Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

Settling in

I’m not sure if you feel the same, but I often take a few weeks to settle into a place. Especially when it involves a lot of new people. Every shift you’re meeting new colleagues and seniors, and introducing yourself.

Now that I’ve been there a few months I’m feeling more comfortable.

The free time I’ve had has also been amazing, I enjoy every moment spent walking my dogs or going out to lunch.

However, I was looking for other options.

Seeking new opportunities

I’ve been thinking about whether a non-clinical role would suit me better. I do deal with a lot of stress and anxiety surrounding my work.

It’s difficult for me to leave work at work, and I can think about patients and if I made the right choice for days afterwards.

The process of breaking negative thinking patterns, and not constantly doubting yourself is long. I’ve come a long way, and I’m proud of that. But it’s still something I’m working on.

So, I reached out to my recruiting agency and asked if they had any non-clinical jobs.

Surprise, surprise they did!

All I had to do was ask and explore other options. So I’ve received a job offer and I’m going to give it a go. Maybe I’ll love it, who knows?

Photo by Paul Skorupskas on Unsplash

Remembering to take it one step at a time

Throughout this whole process I’ve been needing to catch myself, and remind myself to take it one step at a time.

It can be so tempting to try to plan out every facet of life, and look into the future. But life doesn’t work like that. Instead of making a plan A, B, C and D, I’m trying to remember to take it slow.

Focusing on the present day, and letting go.

If you want to hear about how to get into the locum life read my next blog post.